mybrainsaysrage

Man Dies in Vat of Chocolate

2009-07-09T08:45:00.000-07:00

His name was Augustus Gloop. The year was 1971. Not sure how this is news now.

http://news.aol.com/article/man-dies-in-chocolate/562626

Steve McNair

2009-07-06T09:51:00.000-07:00

If you're going to get shot four times in the head by some crazed 20-year-old she should at least be hot.

Oh, and despite the gunshot wounds, McNair is listed as "probable" for the Titans season opener.

Michael Jackson is Dead

2009-06-28T22:01:00.000-07:00

OK, you knew that.

What you probably came here for was a couple of insensitive jokes like "Michael Jackson finally beat it" or "I bet he's moonwalking to the pearly gates!" but sadly you will not find them. Why? Because Michael Jackson dying isn't really funny.

What do you mean, StegoSaurus, it's HIL-arious? Now say something horrible!

N0rmally we would, but sometimes things are so easy, so set up, that it's not even fun. Think of New Year's Eve. Do you really drink that much on New Year's Eve anymore? No. And you know why? Because EVERYONE drinks on New Year's Eve. It's amateur night. The same goes for something like when Michael Jackson dies. Every half bit comedian has something. "OH, he touched kids!" Great.

To put it simply: We like a challenge. Death is only funny when the whole world doesn't find it funny if that makes any sense.

Now, if Chris Benoit kills his family and himself, well, that's where we come in (Even two years later I laugh everytime I see a Bowflex). If David Carradine strangles himself with his balls tied in a knot, you come to us.

The only thing I can take away from this is the ridiculous people: I saw someone on TV crying while placing flowers on Jackson's star on the walk of fame. Seriously? Crying? He's a fucking singer. That's the bottom line. He's a singer. And he had some neat dance moves. He's not fucking Ghandi for fucks sake. Get over it already. Sure death sucks, but you know what, we were born for dying!

Sorry couldn't resist.

I actually can't see myself crying over any celebrity death, because, well, shit happens and I don't really know them, so who cares in the long run? The only sadness I could see is if someone who you enjoyed their work, hoped for more and now it will never come. But I'll never cry.

Actually here's my short list of celebrity deaths that would bum me out.

1. James Hetfield - Goes without saying. We'll list every member of Metallica here, except Lars, because no one likes Lars.

(Funny side note: Trunk bought the drum kit for Guitar Hero Metallica and I asked him if he plays it in his basement just wearing a tight pair of black jogging shorts and no shirt. He said he does. Good times.)

2. Johnny Depp - Call me queer, but I like his movies.

3. Sean Taylor - Oh wait, that happened.

4. Bill Mays...

Mocking the Dead: Ed McMahon

2009-06-23T13:40:00.000-07:00

Here's hoping the Devil showed up at his front door holding balloons and a giant check.

Die-O! Great one!

Oh, and Star Search has been replaced by coffin search.

Hey, what the fuck is this?

2009-06-09T13:36:00.000-07:00

Could this be the beginning of a return? A new trip into hell, much like the one David Carradine just took with a curtain cord tied around his bag? Is this the rebirth of the most offensive blog on the net, or will it be wrapped up quicker than Mike Tyson's daughter near a treadmill?

Only time will tell motherfuckers. Only time will tell.

Apology

2008-12-29T18:54:00.000-08:00

Most of the people I've trashed on this site I do not know personally: other bloggers, celebrities, Washington Redskins management, blacks, etc. But since Trunk and I started writing here I used this forum to rip someone I not only knew, but lived with, lusted after and enjoyed many good times.

Many of you have read the adventures of me and my girlfriend known unfairly as the nun. I took things

Jiffy Lube Can Suck My Balls

2008-11-10T09:42:00.000-08:00

About six months ago my old car died, so I brought a brand-spanking new Honda Civic (because I'm poor). I've now been to Jiffy Lube for three oil changes and every time they try to sell me something.

For instance, today I was asked if:

I want my tires rotated (no, go fuck yourself)

My transmission flushed (because I need to spend $79 on that, blow me)

My air filter replaced, because every

Chris Benoit Reviews Products

2008-11-09T12:01:00.000-08:00

Hi, I'm former WWE Champion Chris Benoit. You may remember me from such commercials as "Boxflex - it's not just for lifting weights" and the documentary "My Son Is 9: Why Does He Only Weigh 75 Pounds?"

Anyway, one thing I'm always looking for is SEO Experts (that stands for strangle, ejaculate and off-yourself). I recently hired an SEO Expert to help me with some problems I had around the house.

Voting

2008-11-04T11:10:00.000-08:00

So I did in fact vote for the black guy today, but I was actually disappointed when I went to vote.

First off, I went with my parents (even though I live half an hour away now) because I never changed my legal address, so we decided to go as a family. Yes, it's gay.

Anyway, after I voted my Dad (always making things awkward) comes up to me with like 100 people around and sticks out his hand

Election Day

2008-11-03T09:50:00.000-08:00

OK, I'll admit it: I'm voting for the nigger.